Trust Me: Once its broken it hard to get back


Trust me! It’s a statement made by many people not only at the start of a relationship but often throughout the relationship as well. But what happens to that relationship and those involved once that trust is broken?

Many people go through life believing that trust is earned not given. However, I’m of the belief that if you don’t feel that you can trust me from the beginning, why are you in a relationship anyway. If you don’t believe that you can trust your mate, you are setting the both of you up for constant worry, fear, and a failed relationship out of the gate.

Women have it bad, but fellas we do it too. Entering a relationship out of the need for companionship or fear of being alone is not the way to do it. If you find your self checking your mates phone for suspicious messages or suspect emails, going through pockets and purses/wallets for suspect phone numbers, questions the numbers that who he/she called wasn’t pre-saved into their phone, checking his collar for lip stick, do yourself and your relationship a favor, go sit down and re-evaluate you are in that relationship. If you don’t trust the person you’re with, why are you two still together? If you trusted them in the beginning why don’t you trust them now? These are the questions you have to ask yourself. Is staying in the relationship worth all of the stress and heartache that comes with not trusting a person? If you can’t answer yes to that questions, please do yourself and him/her a favor and exit stage right. You are already unhappy and staying in that relationship to appease that person is going to hurt them in the long run because it will eventually come out that you don’t want to be there anymore.

I trust my wife (to be) with every fiber of my being just like I’ve trusted every other woman that I’ve ever been involved with. Actually, I believe I trust her more. However, my trust has been broken so many times in the past that before she and I began dating, I had to take time to learn that I have to take things one day, one hour, one minute at a time. We will never know what tomorrow will bring. If I didn’t take this time for myself, at every sign of trouble I wouldn’t reverted back to what caused me to loose trust in my previous relationships when she actually haven’t done anything for my to not trust her. IF we go into the moment assuming we know what is about to happen we will set ourselves up for failure every time. (And this is a lesson that can be applied to any situation.)

Now, from the other side of the table, you are stressed out about why your mate don’t trust you. You immediately begin to replay things trying to think of any reason why they should feel the way that your mate does. What actions on your part has caused this reaction on their part? What have you done? What behaviors have you exhibited? If you can sit down and honestly review your actions and the answer to all of these questions continue to let back you mate being paranoid, then continue to move forward doing the right thing. Or you can take the route I mentioned earlier; evaluate why are you with this person and prepare to move forward in life.

However, if you find that it was something on your part that led to your mate to feel that they can no longer trust you, you have some work to do.

First, apologize for your actions or behavior. Let them know that you was in the wrong and you are sorry for the hurt and pain and lack of trust that your action caused. Be sincere about it. No one wants a half hearted apology. We all know when we are giving an apology that we don’t mean and we can see one coming a mile away. So, don’t give your mate one.

The second step has two parts. Part A requires you to give your mate time to digest all that has happened. Not everyone can move forward from the situation right a way depending on the severity of the violation of trust, you may have to repeat your apology. Part B will require you to have patience with your mate. Each scenario is different and no two situations are the same. It may take your mate longer then you think is appropriate to be ready to move forward. The success of your relationship will rest on your patience because you are the one that messed up not your mate. If you rush them into forgiveness, it will cause a huge crack in the foundation of your relationship and it will quickly crumble to the ground.

The third thing you need to do is to know and understand that there are consequences that you will have to face as a result of your actions. One of which, God forbid, the demise of your relationship. I can’t give you specific examples of what the consequences may look like because no two relationships are the same and there are multiple if/then scenarios that can come into play.

However, regardless of the pending consequences, it is never too early to put the fourth step into action which is to make makes to your own actions or behavior. Immediately stop the actions that caused that trust to be broken. Make a 180 degree turn from those actions and start on a new path. The sooner you do this, the more favorable the pending consequences may be. Your mate wants to see that your really meant that apology in step one. The best way to show them that you meant it is to change your ways.

Step five is simple. Don’t let yourself fall back into those old patterns that led you to break that bond of trust. You may have to change your circle of friends or your daily routine. You may even have to seek help in the form of professional and/or spiritual counseling. It sucks to have to sit there and expose those hidden truths about yourself to a perfect stranger or someone that you’ve looked up to for spiritual guidance in the past. But you have to consider how your mate felt to have their trust broken. Is that relationship worth bearing a moment of discomfort? Or are you willing to lose the one you love to keep your skeletons in the closet locked away?

Let’s jump back across the table for a moment. As the person who feels they can no longer trust their mate, did you figure out that was said or done that made you feel as though you can’t trust them anymore? Without being able to pinpoint that action or behavior, that led to your trust being broken, you will have a hard time moving forward if you don’t know what happened to begin with and your mate don’t know what they did wrong to make you feel this way.

From my personal experience, here is a classic example of what I’m talking about. My ex-wife was a great woman in her own right. However, shortly after we were married, she began to accuse me of cheating. I didn’t understand why or where this was coming from given that I was working full time and going to school full time with no car relying on public transportation. The accusations continued into our second year of marriage because we never addressed the root cause of the accusations to begin with. I thought that if I continued to do the right thing she would see that I was on the right track and not out there in the streets. But she didn’t. After some digging of my own, I discovered that she had at least four friends that were dealing infidelity in their homes. She’d taken her friends issues unto herself and were projecting their issues with their mates on me. My behavior and actions remained innocent but she couldn’t see that because she was listening to her friends. Upon discovering this information I immediately addressed it but that wasn’t enough for her which eventually led to our divorce.

Learn from my experience so that you don’t have to repeat the same process I had to go through. Don’t take other people issued into your own relationship. Its not health. Now if you find that there really is not reason for you to not trust you mate, you have some work to do as well.

1. Apologize to your mate for not trusting them.
2. Give them time to heal from the accusations and be patient through the process.
3. Be prepared for the consequences
4. Correct your behavior and actions.
5. Do what you have to so that you don’t fall back into that same pattern of behavior.

This has been another moment with yours truly,

LaFreddie B

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